It Wisnae Me!

My oh my, this is a happy day. Well, actually, yesterday was a happy day, but I'm still feeling the after effects today. Why was it so happy yesterday? Well, I'll tell you. Yesterday... Truthiness Prevailed!

It's true! Every Sunday in the Toronto Sun in the Showcase section, they have a small article called This Week's Best Late-Night Laughs. Now usually, this section features a few paragraphs from five different late-night comedians. Every week up until yesterday, it featured David Letterman, Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien, and Jon Stewart. But yesterday, they removed Jimmy Kimmel, and replaced him with who other than Stephen Colbert. The picture is a bit big, so I linked it here as opposed to displaying it on the blog itself.

Last week, Jimmy Kimmel's section was this:


This week, Stephen Colbert's section was this:


Funny how they scanned like that, Stephen's Light, and Kimmel's Dark? Darth Kimmel, maybe? Now there's now unintentionally made imagery! Take that engilsh class!

Not saying this because he lost to Colbert, but I do have a bone to pick with this Kimmel guy. Actually quite a few bones. 207 bones in fact. Yes yes, some of you may say "Oh Clyde, but there are only 206 bones in the human body!". And to you I say, "Shut the hell up!" I'm assuming Kimmel is a guy, so can you guess where to 207th bone is? No. Better yet, we'll pick up a hitchhiker and use it to fill in the last one. Then if I have more issues, we'll have lots to spare.

Okay. Kimmel says that Jessica Simpson is "America's favorite divorcee". Just like an american to leave the 'u' out of the word, but that's not my problem, it is? No! Yes, yes, blah blah blah America. Not everyone is American Mr. Kimmel. What about us? Huh? At least Stephen mentions us. Furthermore, what gives him the right to say that she is "America's favourite"? Shouldn't he take some kind of poll? No, he just prattles on like an incessant moron!

He continues on to talk about how Jessica "cried when the clown showed up." Well, Mr. Kimmel. You really have hit rock bottom! Clowns are bad people. They happen to be very frightening! It's not wrong to fear them! They're evil, heartless monsters! God! Balloon animals? Water-spraying flowers? That's supposed to be fun? Make me happy?! Jesus! Clowns are malevolent! No matter what happens, or what their doing, clowns will just sit there with a God damn smug look on their 'happy' painted faces! They don't know the freaking meaning of 'happy'! They're heartless and insensitive, and terrible evil creatures that don't deserve to live! God damnit!

Finally, he finishes with a suggestion that "maybe there is something to this astrology stuff." No. Refer Here.

God I hate clowns. Anyway, now for a truthful comparison. I know I've done a Colbert comparison before, but his awesomeness just has to be repeated.

Stephen Colbert is to Jesus(again) as Jimmy Kimmel is to Clowns.


And there you have it!
God I hate clowns.

Oh God... customers...

Before I start, I'd like to ask: Where the hell are Wayne and Nagykin? It's like they've vanished completely. No updates in two weeks, and not a peep out of Wayne since school ended... Where'd they go?!? We may find out, stay tuned.

Now, onto business. God I hate customers at work. I work at Quiznos, and I could swear that most people that come in barely pass for 'fit for mainstream society'. Customers I particularly hate, are those who ask me where they order. In our store, there is a giant 'ORDER' sign at the 'Make' table. Don't ask it. That's where you order. To make things easier, I created a layout in paint for a visual aid:




Today, I had the most inane bitch in the world come in. She came in the door, and stood in front of the Wrap table, where I was, wrapping sandwiches. She literally asked me for the loctaion of ordering 4 or 5 times. This is how the exchange occured:

Cullen: Hi there Ma'am. If you're getting a sub today, Wes can help you down at the other end.
Woman: Oh, so I order here?
Cullen: No Ma'am, if you tell Wes your order, he'll make it for you.
Woman: So you're Wes?
Cullen: No. Wes is down there. (points to Wes) He can help you when you're ready.
Woman: Oh! This is where the sandwiches come out?
Cullen: Yes it is.
Woman: Ok. (Proceeds to order from me.)
Cullen: Ma'am, I'm going to wrap these subs, then I'll physically move to the make table, and you can tell me your order.
Woman: But I want to order now!
Cullen: Then Wes can take your order at that end.
Woman: Can't I order here?!
Cullen: NOO! NOOOOOOO! (Picks up tongs and puts them through glass behind me.)
Woman: (Shrinks back)
Cullen: I will not sacrifice the Wrap Table. I've made to many sacrifices already. To many retreats. They send me a sandwich, and I wrap it. They send me food for entire worlds, and I wrap them! Not again! The line must be drawn here! This many, no more! And I will MAKE THEM PAY for every sandwich.

Later on, my boss informed me that I broke my little ships...

It's now time for my truthful comparison. Intellectually, I am to Stephen Hawking, as my customers are to George Bush.



And there you have it.

Birthday Wishes

Well, everyone should know what today is. Yes, yes, it's the Kiribati Independence Day, but that's not important right now. It is the birthday of a brilliant and very celebrated actor. He's starred in a movie trilogy, portrayed many great heroes, voice acts, commands a starship, and is one of hollywoods greatest actors. No it is not Harrison Ford. He doesn't fit the last criteria. Of course, it is Patrick Stewart.

His multitude of roles includes Charles Xavier, Deputy Director Bullock, King Goobot, Scrooge, Napoleon, Captain Ahab, and John. The role he's most famous for? Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

For interest's sake let's compare the character of Capt. Picard to Han Solo:

Picard: Commands the USS Enterprise :)
Solo : Commands the Millenium Falcon :(

Picard: Has approx. 500 women aboard :D
Solo : Has Chewy :(

Picard: Worf :)
Solo : Chewy :/

Picard: Has pet fish : /
Solo : Chewy? :
Picard: Assimilated by the Borg :}
Solo : Attacked by Ewoks :(

Picard: Has broken the Prime Directive multiple times and gets away with it :)
Solo : Didn't pay Jabba, and got frozen in carbonite :(

Picard: His ship can go past Warp 9 :)
Solo: His ship barely make Warp 1 :(

Solo: He loves all the ladies :/
Picard: All the ladies love him :D :D :D :D :D :D

So, truthful comparison time.

Captain Picard is to Arnold Schwarzenegger as Han Solo is to Richard Simmons.

And there you have it.

p.s. While writing this post, I discovered this blog. I thought I'd share it's hilarity.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

Yes. Yes. I know. Both Nagykin and the Emperor thought this before me, but the point still needs to be repeated because it is so incredibly true! Stephen Colbert is a freakin' genius. Observe:



This man is a comical, maniacal genius. Compared to him, any other comic looks, and sounds, terrible. My truthful comparison will show this. Stephen Colbert is to Jesus, as Leno is to Osama Bin Laden. Jay Leno isn't even that bad a comedian. That's how amazing Colbert is.

Capybaras, Agouchis, and Badchans, oh my!

A long time ago, in a galaxy identical to ours... well, it is ours, really, T.V. was worth watching. But now, the once kick-ass television has been replaced with piss-poor shows like 'House', 'Prison Break', and 'The Apprentice: Martha Stewart'. What happened to the GOOD shows like 'Whose line', and 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?' ?

For that matter, what happened to the Power Rangers franchise? You remember how much ass the original series kicked? Now we've got shit like 'Dino Thunder', and 'Space Patrol Delta'. What the hell? C'mon, I'd take Martha Stewart over that ass-pie.

The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. These guys were the best in the early/mid-90s. And there was only one reason for this:

The Green Ranger

This guy owned all. Why?

a)
Bling. That's why. Before one may kick ass, he must have the correct costume. The Green Ranger nailed this. Note the golden bling he uses. This aint no 'I have a necklace. I'm a jerkoff' bling that wiggers wear. This is hardcore 'I beat your ass if you cross me, bitch!' bling. The kind of bling you think, 'Wow, I wish I had bling that cool.', and nobody ever thinks that about normal bling.

b)
The Dagger. Everyone knows that daggers are the key to maintaining kick-assery. Ask Wayne. He has about 3. (1) Note the repeated use of his kick-ass bling to attract attention away from his ass-beating dagger. (2) Also note the inscriptions on his ass-beating dagger. They are an old japanese language usually used in blended sumo wrestling. Blended sumo is much thicker that normal sumo, it's like a bloody version of chocolate mousse, it's hard to get through the whole thing, like Dances With Wolves.

c)
The Dragonzord. This guy is the freakin anti-christ. He's like a giant metal Hitler on steroids. (1) First you've got your WWI standard-issue, german army, helmet spike. (2) On top of that, he's even saluting the Fuhrer, then there's (3) the Giant LEDs. Funny how this one turns out. If you flip the dragon-bling, and connect the dots, you get this:

Coincidence? I think not!

d)
By the third season, He's a Ninja! Hands down, there's nothing better than being a Ninja. I mean, if a Ninja falls down in a forest, and there's nobody there to hear it, does it still make a sound? If a Ninja does anything anywhere, he doesn't make a sound. And if he does make a sound, it's probably the last sound you're ever going to hear. Again, note the use of repeated bling. Ninja-bling. Ninjing.

So, to wrap it all up, the Green Ranger made the show what it is. From his bling, to his Ninjistics, and back again, the Green Ranger wiped the floor with the other rangers. To make things right in the universe, I shall draw another truthful comparison.

Posting Will Resume! (Will Start?)

Hello my friends! My name is Uri, and this is my home. It is very... sorry. Ahem. Hello my friends! If you've ever been to this blog, you will know, I do NOT update often/at all. That will now change. I will now be livening up my blog! Happy day for all, right? Let's find out. Wayne, and maybe a few others will recognize my star trek/wars post, as it has been republished from my earlier site. For now, prepare yourselves for the textual ravagement that is to come! It'll be like a dropkick to the face. It'll be like you're singing during Karaoke Revolution, and you hit a wrong note, and instead of losing points, a bunch of poison darts shoot out of the microphone into your face. Hmm, i guess that wasn't a Bb. Thud.

Star Trek vs. Star Wars

So, I was thinking. Star Trek rocks. Many normal people, and I use the word 'normal' loosely, think Star Wars is better Trek, and I'm thinking 'What the hell are they talking about?' I will now draw for these intellectual dwarves a truthful comparison.

The truth is:
Gene Roddenberry is to the Queen of England as George Lucas is to a hobo. As seen below.

And there you have it. Simple as that.