Capybaras, Agouchis, and Badchans, oh my!

A long time ago, in a galaxy identical to ours... well, it is ours, really, T.V. was worth watching. But now, the once kick-ass television has been replaced with piss-poor shows like 'House', 'Prison Break', and 'The Apprentice: Martha Stewart'. What happened to the GOOD shows like 'Whose line', and 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?' ?

For that matter, what happened to the Power Rangers franchise? You remember how much ass the original series kicked? Now we've got shit like 'Dino Thunder', and 'Space Patrol Delta'. What the hell? C'mon, I'd take Martha Stewart over that ass-pie.

The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. These guys were the best in the early/mid-90s. And there was only one reason for this:

The Green Ranger

This guy owned all. Why?

a)
Bling. That's why. Before one may kick ass, he must have the correct costume. The Green Ranger nailed this. Note the golden bling he uses. This aint no 'I have a necklace. I'm a jerkoff' bling that wiggers wear. This is hardcore 'I beat your ass if you cross me, bitch!' bling. The kind of bling you think, 'Wow, I wish I had bling that cool.', and nobody ever thinks that about normal bling.

b)
The Dagger. Everyone knows that daggers are the key to maintaining kick-assery. Ask Wayne. He has about 3. (1) Note the repeated use of his kick-ass bling to attract attention away from his ass-beating dagger. (2) Also note the inscriptions on his ass-beating dagger. They are an old japanese language usually used in blended sumo wrestling. Blended sumo is much thicker that normal sumo, it's like a bloody version of chocolate mousse, it's hard to get through the whole thing, like Dances With Wolves.

c)
The Dragonzord. This guy is the freakin anti-christ. He's like a giant metal Hitler on steroids. (1) First you've got your WWI standard-issue, german army, helmet spike. (2) On top of that, he's even saluting the Fuhrer, then there's (3) the Giant LEDs. Funny how this one turns out. If you flip the dragon-bling, and connect the dots, you get this:

Coincidence? I think not!

d)
By the third season, He's a Ninja! Hands down, there's nothing better than being a Ninja. I mean, if a Ninja falls down in a forest, and there's nobody there to hear it, does it still make a sound? If a Ninja does anything anywhere, he doesn't make a sound. And if he does make a sound, it's probably the last sound you're ever going to hear. Again, note the use of repeated bling. Ninja-bling. Ninjing.

So, to wrap it all up, the Green Ranger made the show what it is. From his bling, to his Ninjistics, and back again, the Green Ranger wiped the floor with the other rangers. To make things right in the universe, I shall draw another truthful comparison.